Just a couple "odds and ends" that found their way onto my computer:
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Sears, and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, The Salvation Army, The Presbyterian, And the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. . . .
The Catholic type supports the masses; The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
Cup Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs..
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!....
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen And I can't get up!...
A Bit Late (Valentine's)
Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade, & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: "No, I don't think God would get mad... Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit."
"And if other kids saw what I did, and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells, and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f*cker."
Traffic Camera
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You can't fix stupid.
Mammogram
A woman approaching middle-age is at home, naked as the day she was born, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 20 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 45-year old Arse?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
Peaches
A Texas rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
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